Dancing with my Heart (If Only I Can Get My Head to Shut Up)

This weekend I went to a wedding, which was absolutely beautiful and filled with so much love. Not just between the bride and groom but also from their families who were obviously so full of pride and love and joy that these two people had found their partner in life.

There were many things to be in awe of, from the gorgeous location on the edge of Lake Washington to the mashed potato martini bar with toppings (yes there was bacon), but the thing that struck me most was the stunning display of white boy dancing. Which I’m proud to say my boyfriend, his brother and their brother from another mother were the center of. While I tried my best to follow along I was clearly out of my league and down right jealous. How I envied their ability to immerse themselves so completely in the enjoyment of dancing that they forget to be self conscious. Or perhaps they’re simply not self conscious. Perhaps they have realized that people are looking at them with wonder and admiring their bravery and freedom. Maybe they just don’t care at all. Have they mastered the ability to be so completely present in the action that thoughts of anything else don’t enter their mind in that moment. Can they simply feel and move in response? Do they realize what a feat that is? 

There are very few times that I am capable of doing this and it’s usually when no ones watching. But put me on a dance floor in a room of people and the best I can do is try and experience small snippets of time where my mind becomes completely immersed in the experience and my body is left to its own devices. Then of course I realize that it’s happened and I’m back to thinking about it. 

I'm not really sure how to get to that point but I'm trying. I feel theres going to be a lot of random dance parties in my room from now on... maybe one day I'll let someone watch. 

Why Does Happiness Have to Be Balanced by Sadness?

The sun kept trying to come out today, but it never really seemed to get warm. I'm not sure if the weather has anything to do with my mood the past couple of days, but I sure do wish the sun would come out and shine a little light on us all.

I'm constantly amazed how I can go from so happy and full of love for life to sad and lonely in a week. I'm tired of pretending to be happy on those days when I'm not. Is it ok to just say... I'm sad today. Please come make it better. I'd like a sign that says, "I need a hug". Well this is my sign. For the past couple of weeks I have felt such a disconnect from those around me. I'm surrounded by people all the time. I have 9 room mates and 100 classmates that I see everyday and yet I feel entirely separate from them. What do you do when you feel that sense of disconnect?

Run Like No Ones Watching

When I moved to Washington in September I immediately fell in love with my new home. I live in a forest, well a state park to be more exact. I have the privilege of stepping out my front door and walking ten steps and disappearing into the woods. If I go a few more steps I find my self on a steep, winding, often muddy path leading down to Lake Washington. Needless to say I haven't run on a road in months. 

Last Saturday was one of the most beautiful days we've had here in Seattle, and after months of rain I couldn't wait to pull on some shorts, yes shorts... day glow legs be damned... and run down to the lake. It was amazing! The great thing about running down trails is that it doesn't feel like work. Your too busy trying to figure out where to plant your feet next to worry about your breathing or anything else for that matter. Thinking is nearly impossible. You just fly. Now I understand and appreciate all you yogi's and runners that rejoice in paying attention to your breathing and your awareness of your body and all that, but for me not being able to concentrate on how I feel or analyze what I'm thinking is a welcome gift. It's a time to just be. To just exist. There will be plenty of time to contemplate existence later. Like when your trudging back up the hill for instance. 

I had hoped to go for a swim when I got to the lake but the shoreline was full of people who I'm sure didn't want to have to explain to their kids why, "that girl is swimming in her underwear"so I kept kept going along the shoreline looking for a more secluded spot. Unfortunately this is where the trail ends and I found myself ducking under branches and scaling fallen trees. I really don't mind the end of the trail in the least, it's usually far more interesting, especially since the stinging nettle is thriving. I discovered a moss covered tree leaning 20 feet out over the water and a tiny beach just perfect for one. Unfortunately the water was bone-chilling cold, so that swim is going to have to wait a few weeks. I walked barefoot back to the trail head until my feet had dried and then laced up my shoes for the aforementioned trek back up. 

This trek is actually only about half a mile, but my calf muscles insist the sign is lying. I usually walk up and convince myself that the scenery is too pretty to run past, but that day I ran every bit I could. Since I've started running these trails I've come to find that I approach them in the same way I do life. Run the parts I can and walk the ones I can't. I take breaks to breath and admire the depth of God's love in the world around me. Most importantly when I get the chance to fly... I take it.

Icing on the Cake

Have you ever noticed that people are more likely to buy a cookbook that is full of pictures rather than just recipes with an occasional picture? I've long realized this about myself but I never really stopped to question it. I know first hand that just because something looks good doesn't mean it will taste good and vice versa. A good recipe is all about the components, the flavors and the way they are brought together. Sure a little garnish is nice and perfect grill marks are appreciated, but in terms of overall taste they don't add much. So why do we hold the picture in such high esteem... hell we'll probably never be able to get it to look that good anyway. 

... I have a theory...

Cooking is hard work. It requires time. Not only to cook the meal itself but also to shop for ingredients and then when it's all over you have to wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. Wouldn't it be far easier puncture the cellophane top on the Chicken Tika Masala from Trader Joes and pour it into a pretty bowl and throw away the evidence? Trust me they're delicious. But no... If I'm gonna go through all the trouble to shop and cook and clean I better be able to see the end result. It's called incentive people and until they learn how to make scratch and sniff cookbooks, sight is all we have. The question is, in what other areas of our life do we do this?

Have you ever taken a picture of your self in bikini and photo shopped it as diet incentive? How about putting together a collage of vacation destinations to get you through the work day. I wonder though do we ever use this tool to our own detriment. How many times do we find ourselves disappointed when our realities differ from the perfect picture we made in our minds? Is that reality somehow diminished just because it's not what we had always imagined? What happens when we spend so much time working towards that future goal that we forget to cherish the moment?

Sometimes I think we are so averse to hard work that we need far too much motivation in order to achieve something. There's something wonderful about working hard... it always comes with transformation. Making something new, something that didn't exist before. That's a mind blowing thought... to be able to work to bring something into existence. Not only do you bring something new to the world, but you very often discover something new about yourself. Strengths you never knew you had. Feelings start to emerge... confidence, pride, wonder, appreciation. 

So what about relationships? For the first time in my life I'm discovering just how much work they are. It would be nice if I knew things were all going work out in the end, but hell what is the end anyway (that's a different post entirely). The truth is my boyfriend is not someone I ever saw myself with... I always thought I'd end up with a cowboy. Wranglers, boot's, Stetson. Yeah that didn't really happen. Does that mean he's any less wonderful or that I can't appreciate him for who he is? Of course not. I find myself relishing in the moments. Holding hand's while we study in yet another coffee shop or dancing badly in the kitchen. A relationship, like a meal, is about the components and the way they are brought together to create something worthwhile. It might require a little heat... but that's half the fun. 

Protein. Carbs. Fat.

     So I'm done with what I'm told is the hardest quarter of medical school and I'm still alive. I'm exhausted...mentally, emotionally and physically; but still sure that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm not sure whether it's the amazing coffee, the magnificent views of Lake Washington, the green trails in my backyard that I get to run , or the beautiful hearts of the people I have met who have shown me such love and acceptance... but I feel very much at home here. I have found a new normal and I have to say I don't know how I got so lucky. 

     I have however neglected one very important thing these past six months... my writing. These posts take me more time to write than I felt I had to give, but there seems to be something magical that comes from taking a few hours to share my thoughts... I'm not sure I can be whole without writing. So I'm back with a new blog dedicated to balance. It's so easy to let school take up my entire life... God knows there is always more to learn, another body part to memorize... but I promised my self before I started this journey that I would not lose myself in the pursuit of a degree. 

     You might wonder about the title of this blog... don't worry this will not turn into a diet blog. I don't pretend to understand bio chemistry well enough to give anyone advice about what they should eat or how they should exercise... I'm still figuring that out for myself. What I do know is that the body requires certain nutrients in certain amounts and those amounts vary for everyone. I also know that the body is capable of breaking down the things you eat into completely different forms. Protein can become fat. Carbs are not the enemy that people would make them out to be... in fact every cell in your body runs on them. Fat is integral to the to the function of our brains and the formation of memories. I could go on forever but my point is our bodies are so amazing and they have to ability to absorb the nutrients that we take in and transform them into the structures we need to carry out a multitude of functions. 

     Our soul works the same way... transforming experiences, information, and love into what we need to enrich our lives and thrive. I'm not exactly sure how much of my time I can give to writing but I do know that I'm not fulfilled without it... I'm not me. I'm also not perfect so please bare with me and what I know will be infrequent posts despite my best efforts and intentions.